How To Write A Parody

Do you know those stories where one person writes, like, a sentence or two and then folds over the paper, and tells the next person the last couple of words and then the next person writes some more and then the next person and so on? Well here are a collection of stories like those, written at school over the last two years by me and my friends. I should acknowledge all those who contributed, so here goes: Me, Paty, Nisa, Patrice, Liz.

Let's begin...

Part 1 Tales of a boring English class
Once upon a twice there was a purple turtle who was hyperactive and liked to eat big gooey lumps of...
Pineapple flavoured cream donuts, but that wasn’t cream in there or was it? Paty dared Sara to find out if it was cream or not and it turned out to be...
A very, very, excessively huge, gigantic, extremely large, humongous, ginormous, big whopper of a...
Burger, tofu and lettuce. “Yuk!” said Liz who was a carnivore big time. She particularly liked eating human flesh, (especially cute boys) and...
Bits of fried chicken attached with super glue. Patrice didn’t notice all of this because she was flying through the sky on a broomstick screaming, “I am such a...
Angel disguised as a normal regular horny female teenager” whose job was to find the perfect...
Shoes to wear that would always match whatever else you were wearing because they were magic shoes made by the witch...
Sara who appeared from nowhere and suddenly it occurred to Liz and Nisa that Sara wasn’t a witch but she really was a wicked French person, eating a chocolate and butter sandwich...
But before the sandwich could be eaten, it was snatched up by Paty because she was very hungry, so hungry she could eat a...
English school book whole in one go, no one knows why or how, but this seemed humanly possible for her anyway.

---

Part 2 Tales of a boring English class continued
Once upon a time in a far off land there was...
An angular acceleration of 5.91 *10^-3 ms^-2 heading straight towards...
Nisa who was coated in chocolate, marshmallows, chips and...
Strawberry-flavoured teabags that Liz was smoking because she wanted to get high and run around screaming...
“Help, help, I’m being chased by a fluffy pink duckling called Patrice...”
who was sitting in the English room next to Nisa, who was a big giant prickly...
Cactus, which had grown legs and arms but could only catch people and not move around which was good because...
It was at the Disco ABS where everyone was jumping up and down and screaming at the music/cute boys and then suddenly jumped on a table and said...
“Oh my honey let’s run away and get married!” “No!” I cried, “You’re not my...
Teddy bear”, because it’s little and brown and as fluffy as a bunny rabbit.

---

Part 3 World Destruction English class style

Nisa who is a big fat purple hairy pidgeon who was trying to take over the world...
That was made of Parmesan cheese, and in that world lived a huge, pineapple- flavoured...
dinosaur called Paty appeared and crushed all of the...
Planets were in line and suddendly caused Sara to see a pack of wild...
Broomsticks which came out of Hogwarts and on one of them was Harry Potter and Severus Snape which were racing...
Down the street when she saw Liz wearing a green, stripy...
Tiger which was made of chocolate with a strawberry filling...
Patrice that was rotating around her head. Suddenly a tribe of killer cockroaches blew up the world and everyone said, “Oh shit I’m dead. I feel like...
Like eating a entire crocodile in one gulp. Suddenly a flock of fluorescent yellow pidgeons flew into a power pole and electrocuted themselves to death. The end.

Check Out This E-mail Someone Sent Me!

Stop saying that Portuguese is a complicated language and try to say this out loud:

- Três bruxas olham para três relógios Swatch. Qual bruxa olha para qual relógio Swatch?

And now in English:

- Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?

Easy, hum?

Then now, this one is for specialists:

- Três bruxas suecas e transsexuais olham para os botões de três relógios Swatch suíços. Qual bruxa sueca transsexual olha para qual botão de qual relógio Swatch suíço?

And now in English:

- Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch switches. Which Swedish switched witch watch which Swiss Swatch watch switch?

Did you made it? I know I didn't!!!

Writer's Blog

Hi there!
I know I haven't been writing anything latter, I mean I've been writing, (I write everyday...) I just don't post everything...
So I was thinking of a way to make my fellow 'blog-writers', actually write anything at all in this 'oh-so-forsaken-blog', and I came up with the idea to write questions instead of just writing ramdom stuff as I have been so far...
Good idea, hum? (I'm smart... hehehe... and really self-centred... oh well!)
So I will be posting questions here, in the hopes that someone will try to answer, okay?
I'll also be answering them, so that they don't just stand here, alone and abandoned, in case no one cares enough to at least try and answer them...
I'm calling this post: Writer's Blog, so to answer any of the questions, just make a new post and write Writer's Blog Answers in the title of the post! easy!
Let's begin...

1º Writer's Blog
Crepuscular Drama
Everybody is talking abot the new movie "Twilight" movie that will be coming out on the theaters soon. A lot of people are really excited about seeing Bella and Edward on the big screen. Others couldn't care less. Where do you fall on the issue?

Answer: I've only read the first and second books, I loved the first, but the second was a huge disapointment! Besides I don't like the actress that is going to be playing Bella... But I probably will be watching the movie right on the first row on the cinema, because one of by best friends is a bit addicted to it!


2º Write's Blog
Checklist for Eternity
If you could live forever how would you spend your time?

Answer: This is a good question. I would probably spend my time educating myself for the first part of my life. I would travel around the world and learn about different languages and cultures. I would like to gain a lot of experience in life. Then after I was satisfied, I would guide the next generations to come, one after the other. Of course that would be a very lonely and sad life, because I would be able to witness the passing of time and I would see the people I care about age and die. It would probably a life to sad for me...
As the "Queen" said: Who wants to live forever anyway?


3º Writer's Blog
Phobias
Do you have a remarkable phobia? Does your phobia have a large impact on your life?

Answer:
My Phobias: Slight claustrophobia(fear of tight or closed spaces), belonephobia(fear of pins and needles), catoptrophobia(fear of mirrors,- when i wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, believe me, it's scary! ), coulrophobia(fear of clowns- they are not funny! they are scary and i'll kill who ever disagrees!), glossophobia(fear of speaking in public, come on!-who doesn't have this one?), slight heliophobia(fear of the sun, hey!-when it's hot, it's a realistic fear!), iatrophobia(fear of doctors, -scary fellows, hum?), nosocomephobia(fear of hospitals - this isn't exactly a fear, but I don't like them, they smell funny...), ophidiophobia(fear of snakes- they bite!), sociophobia(fear of social evaluation- and any other kind of evaluation, really...), laliophobia(fear of speaking- too much!), and that's about it. Geez... I'm a real chicken, huh?

That's about all the questions for today! It's 3:30 a.m, and when I star having two times the same hour in a day, I get confused... so good night and Write on!

Mental Instability and You!

Never, ever read Hamlet at three a.m...
belive me! you'll end up with stuff like this...
Why did i write about it? why go there?
Who knows?
People who live without soundness in their lives have a severe degree of Mental Instability.
This instability works against them; it deprives them of stableness and causes them to seek for soundness and stableness in their lives. This drive for stability will never end, until their instability disappears, and they are satisfied. This will then cause them to believe either that certain 'bad' things they do aren't 'bad', or 'good' things they do aren't necessarily 'good'.
In Shakespeare's Hamlet, both young Hamlet and his little lady friend Ophelia both end up suffering extreme amounts of mental instability, although Hamlet claims he has a hold on it. Their cases are not unlike many cases today, many people start flipping out when they find out that their father was murdered by their uncle, and then their uncle marries his newly widowed mother, just so he can gain access to the power of being king of Denmark. I know I do, every time it happens. Well, if that doesn't happen to everyone, then I guess I'll have to relate it to Ophelia's "problems".
For starters, she really likes this dude, Hamlet, who's like the coolest guy in the whole world, the only problem is that his dad, or something, died when he was like, five or something, and it drove him to being all crazy and stuff. Now, the crazy isn't that bad, like, Ophelia likes it and all, she always was attracted to eccentrics, but then he started, like, beating her, or yelling at her, or something like that, and that was enough. Her daddy didn't like the way she was being treated, so he decides to find out if Hamlet is really crazy, long story short, Ophelia's daddy ends up hiding in Hamlet's mom's room, and Hamlet runs him through with a sword... Wait, that doesn't happen to real people either!
Well, what is learned from this?
That Shakespeare was crazy, and he took situations that could be settled by civilized means, and decided he was going to kill everybody. I even hear that in one of his plays every character actually does die by the end! What a psycho! I think he's the one with the mental instability.
I'm just kidding, I LOVE Shakespeare! He rocks my world every time i read any of his works!

Another Day In The Amazingly Boring Life Of Sara...

The wind is blowing through my hair even though I’m just walking, my luck is running high, and Journey is playing on the iPod.
Everything is going my way.
Except for one thing, the old stomach is running fumes.
I need to grab a bite real fast, or this good mood will vanish faster than a pair of dark, short waisted, salsa jeans on sales.
There’s only one stop nearby, but it’s guarded by my arch-nemesis.
The licentious harlot seduces me with her chocolate bars, potatoes chips and cookies, I always pay the money kindly, and just as she’s about to let them drop into my hands, she snatches them back, leaving me a poor, broken, starving woman.
But not today, today is my day and no thief will steal it from me.
Yet as soon as I approach, sweat trickles down my forehead, and I involuntarily crush the coin in my hand.
There is no rational reason for such fear, her greeting is cordial enough “Hello, please select the product you’d like.”
I know, however, that behind those friendly words lies a temptress waiting to abscond with my hard-earned money.
But not today, I say to myself, she will not steal today.
We have what we want, need, so why should anything happen, other than a fair trade?
I laugh fear in the face and feed her the money while I choose what to feed myself.
The deal is made; I see her cogs turning, deliverance from hunger at last!
It’s so close; I can almost taste the Chipmix.
But no! She stops and the delectable chocolate covered, deliciously baked cookies hang limply from her clutches, that conniving hag!
My worst fear realized I cast aside all rational thought.
I smack her once, twice, three times.
My heart is racing; I shake her furiously until she gives me what I need.
It is to no avail, the Chipmix dangle limply, silently snickering at me.
She has fooled me once again; my fine day is thrown to the dogs like fat steak.
I crumple before her and weep, though her countenance does not show it, I know she’s laughing at me, mocking me for my foolishness.

My Favorite Shakespeare Sonnet And Its Translation to Modern English.

By: www.nosweatshakespeare.com/sonnets/

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Translation to modern English
I would not admit that anything could interfere with the union of two people who love each other. Love that alters with changing circumstances is not love, nor if it bends from its firm state when someone tries to destroy it. Oh no, it's an eternally fixed point that watches storms but is never itself shaken by them. It is the star by which every lost ship can be guided: one can calculate it's distance but not gauge its quality. Love doesn't depend on Time, although the rosy lips and cheeks of youth eventually come within the compass of Time's sickle. Love doesn't alter as the days and weeks go by but endures until death. If I'm wrong about this then I've never written anything and no man has ever loved.

... Me, myself and I...

I'm bored....

It's three a.m.

Everyboby can write at this ungodly hour...

Poetry... Some of My Favorite Poems...

1.

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire: I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII

2.
How do I love thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

3. A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow -You are not wrong, who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. I stand amid the roar Of a surf-tormented shore, And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand -How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep- while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave? Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

4. Destiny

Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours

For one lone soul another lonely soul

Each choosing each through all the weary hours

And meeting strangely at one sudden goal.

Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers,

Into one beautiful and perfect whole;

And life's long night is ended, and the way

Lies open onward to eternal day.

Edwin Arnold

Eternal Doubts...

The questions you always wanted to know, but never had the courage to ask...

1. Why did the Flinstones celebrated Christmas, if they lived before Christ?
2. How did Tarzan always managed to have a clean shave?
3. How come the guy in "Planet of the Apes" never suspects were he is, if all the apes are speaking english?
4. If all man are the same, why do women choose so much?
5. If everyone says blondes are dumb, then why are there still women who paint their hair that color?
6. If every rule has an excepition, and that's a rule, what's the exception?
7. If the sentence 'keyboard not instaled, press any key to continue' what the hell, do I do?
8. Why is it, that whenever we ask someone to help us find a lost object, they always ask 'where have you left it?', I mean if I knew that I wouldn't be asking for your help, now would I?
9. Who was born first, the egg or the chicken?and by the way, is the glass half empty or half full?
10. What's the point of asking: 'Are you awake?'

About Stuff...

“Writer’s block, o, writer’s
block
How I despise thee,
I would write on,
But thou has consumed
me.”

Write on!

THE EVIL CAN OF COCA-COLA

It was a ordinary morning, the day when a small can of Coca-Cola caused a fight.
(which to be honest, I still don't understand why.) What a tragic day it was.
Well, it all started out like this:
I live in a 5 bedroom, 1 bathroom, small, pink house, in the middle of a big city.
My mother owns a business that operates at home. She is a witch. It's a pretty "busy" business,
so she hired an employee. Me.
My name is Sara, and I'm good at what I do, so I work almost 8 hours a day. Anyway, my mother likes Coca-cola... like, ALOT.
So she brings one home everyday. She keeps it with her at all times, and it's basically the only thing she'll drink after a busy day "at work". One day, she put it in the refrigerator. My brother, David, (who is 20, but still lives in the couch), just happened to be in the kitchen, and thirsty.
He was tired of the tap water from the sink. So he opened the fridge. He saw the can of Coca-cola in there, (and without knowing it was mum's) drank it. He left the empty can in the refrigerator, and that's when it all started. Then later that day, my mother saw the empty can in the refrigerator and it all ended in a bloodbath...
...To BE CONTINUED...

It's My Favorite Park

It’s my favorite park. It’s beautiful, in a just-died-dead-corpse sort of way, especially in winter. It’s so lonely, even when it’s at the intersection of three fairly sizeable streets. At night it’s even better (though isn’t everything?) because no one’s bothered to fix the blinking streetlight. It reminds me of when I was a child, with matches. Flicker, flicker. Gone.
All that’s really there are swings, and a few benches, whatever. Everything comes down to two things when swinging: You and Gravity. Gravity vs. Me. I’m fighting the universe. And for once there are no expectations, nothing they want me to remember. When I’m there, I can be clumsy instead.
This park is my battleground. For once in my life, I’m winning.

Great Quotes By Great People

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. -Woody Allen

Sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

"What if there were no hypothetical situations?" John Mendosa

"Fiction is the truth inside the lie." –Stephen King

Great Quotes by Ordinary People

Destruction is a kickass theme.


I believe that it was Socrates who said, Know thyself. Well, I already know myself, how about I get to know you?


Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?


Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.


T-SHIRT: I talk to strangers


Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Be good or be good at it!

BEER, Helping people have fun since 1865.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!

My IQ came back negative!

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.

Clothes make the man. Naked men have little or no influence on society. Of course with women it’s the reverse.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

You better take a sleeping pill, baby, 'cause the only place you'll ever get me is in your dreams!

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Note that if you take the T away from the word diet, it spells die.

No Radio - Already Stolen!

Boy: Girl, you are so rude! Girl: How am I being rude? Boy: Because you're looking so fine and not telling me your name.

They keep saying the right person will come along...I think a truck hit mine!

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare!

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Set Your Spirit Free

English works from first year University students!

Finally online!

We thank you ahead for the time you will spend reading our works,

We're sure it will be a pleasure to write for you.

Hope you enjoy reading our works, at least half as much as we enjoyed writing them.

ENJOY!

and

Write On!